The truth is, I have no clue what I want to do with my life. Well, maybe I do? But I find that these days, it’s hard to reconcile my dreams with reality.
I recently graduated university and I’m about to start a full-time job. Naturally, a requirement of starting any new role is “proving” that you are a college graduate. Hence, I ordered my official transcript from my school (for a crazy $6) to present to the company as part of my background check. Full-disclosure, I graduated with a 4.0-perfect gpa (I definitely only say perfect here for those not familiar with my school’s grading system and also for the purpose of this story). As you’d expect, my transcript was littered with A’s on A’s on A’s…and while a part of me feels intrinsically content with achieving a goal I set out for myself, it still feels like I spent the past four, heck, all years of my life pandering to a goal that just wasn’t mine. Looking at my transcript, I couldn’t help but feel empty. And after years of contemplating if this “traditional” path I chose is the one for me, I finally have the guts to admit that maybe it isn’t.
So, then what?
I hate to blame the trajectory of my life on my west-African upbringing, but as beautiful as culture and years of tradition can be, they often help build the bullets that bring you down if proper care is not taken. Like any other Nigerian kid, my aspirations were fixed on the “traditional” career paths. If I wasn’t going to be a doctor then I was going to be a lawyer, if not a lawyer, then an engineer. Heck, the fact that I opted for a more business-focused degree made me feel like a bit of a rebel (teehee) compared to my brothers who studied engineering. Furthering my entrapment was culture’s neighborhood frenemy – religion. As deep as culture goes, it’s often engrained deeper by her. Philippians 4:13 which reads, “I can do all this through Christ who strengthens me”, quickly became one of my favorite verses as a kid – it still is. Not just because it’s short and easy to remember (I mean, that would be ridiculous) but because similar to John 11:35, I realized that little words can hold so much meaning. To me, the Philippians passage was a beacon of hope, making me completely invincible to the weapons of the world. Interestingly, the one weapon I never anticipated being fashioned against me was my mind, but more on this later. The issue is, as much as the Philippians passage strengthened me, I think I let it strengthen me towards the wrong thing…
In year 9 of secondary school, I fixated on my academics. To put it candidly, I was doing rubbish in years 7 and 8. Maybe not rubbish by all standards but rubbish all the same. As an African parent would say, I didn’t know why I was in school. But in year 9, I vividly remember sitting in the study room at my house and verbatim asking myself if the people who got straight A’s had “2 heads.” It’s always funny when I recall that memory – very interesting how we begin to manifest our parent’s words as we get older. Needless to say, I call this my vex moment. It was my vex moment because it was when I realized I had been wasting my time and I had the potential to do so much more. By the end of the year, I had jumped from God-knows what position to overall 8th best in my year. I fear it was so surprising that the principal felt the need to call it out on my school’s annual prize giving day. In year 10, I really unleashed the big-guns and bagged the overall best award for the year group, amongst other things (teehee). Year 11, the illustrious IGCSE year, wasn’t too shabby either – I still managed to be one of the top 5 graduates in my year group. The point is, I realized something extremely vital about myself, or honestly, human nature as a whole; when you set your sights on a goal, Philippians 4:13 really does hold true.
I had started a path, and even though my parents were never truly as invested in me being a particularly “stellar” student, they now knew what I was capable of and quickly jumped aboard the train of my academic success. Naturally, the tenacious attitude continued into university. Freshman year was fun; I got to take liberal arts classes. I really enjoyed my global literature and business law courses. I felt like I was actually learning new things. Freshman year was probably the year I felt the most creative in college – like my brain felt ventilated. And then sophomore year came along, and I started taking more business-focused classes – finance, accounting, economics… things I had always excelled in. The difference was, this time it was no longer fun. I had passed the initial hump of trying to prove something to myself. And soon enough, every successive 4.0 semester soon felt like another check off the to-do-list of my life. In my mind, Philippians 4:13 was now reinforcing my belief to achieve a goal I’m not so sure I cared about anymore. My major issue at this point was, my family had become very invested in my academic success and I too had become fixated on the idea of achieving perfection (I can’t say I’m apologetic for my tenacity, though). Somedays it felt like I was bound by invisible handcuffs; I knew I wasn’t passionate about the path I was taking, but I didn’t know how to get out of it without messing up my post-graduate plans. Add into the mix the fact that I am an international student in America (those who know know), and it was looking like a long prison sentence for me.
But now I find myself writing this. Why? Well, remember the vex moment I mentioned earlier? I think I’m approaching one now. Social media can be a curse. But like most things in life, there are at least two sides to it. The same things that make people feel inadequate can also make them feel…liberated? I’ve been sifting through a lot of sites – Instagram, mainly – and I don’t know if it’s seeing people unapologetically chasing their dreams, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m wasting my life.
I don’t want to waste my life anymore.
The issue now is, I find myself in a place where I know I’m not fulfilled, but I’m at a loss on how to take the first step towards achieving my dreams. Some days I think I’m lazy, other days I feel ambitious, and most days I just feel fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of stepping out into territory I have never chartered. I have ideas of dreams and hobbies I’d like to pursue, to at least live a fulfilled life. But they seem so far away from what I’m used to and it’s honestly a very scary feeling. The thing is, I now realize that those who’ve unlocked the cheat code to life are those who’ve battled fear and replaced it with confidence. I’m trying to get there, and I think I am, slowly but surely. Step by step as my fave Whitney Houston would say.
So in the interest of moving forward, here are a few things I know right now: I like to sing when I don’t feel like I’m being judged. I love music A LOT – I’m listening to it as I write this. I love asking thought-provoking questions that sometimes make people wonder if I’m mentally insane. I like to observe people, I believe behind every individual there is a unique story to tell; I might make a documentary someday. In fact, I know I will. I think I like writing, or maybe I just have a lot of thoughts that need to be let out; I find myself using my notes app to jot down the random thoughts that pop into my head every day. I LOVE impersonating people and characters – I think it’s absolutely hilarious. I still stand by my Rick Ross impression! I love seeing black joy. I can’t say I’m the best event planner, but something about working behind the scenes to create a space for people who look like me to feel comfortable does something for me. I think I’m going to learn how to play the piano this year, it’s something my dad always wanted and something I want too now that I think about it. I know that these probably seem like normal interests that people have and actively pursue every day, but these are interests I have starved myself of fully enjoying for a while now. So, I’m excited to see where they take me.
I can’t lie, sometimes I feel bad about potentially abandoning a “traditional” career path that’s often deemed necessary for society to work. Like I am not doing my part by sacrificing a little bit of my happiness to help the world. But after interacting with the 20+ finance-bros in my college investments class and meeting several young professionals that are so keen on changing the world one tech or consulting start-up at a time, I realize that those worlds will do just fine without me when/if the time comes for me to leave. Besides, who says I can’t change the world through whatever path I choose? Who also says I won’t formulate my own unique spin on these otherwise traditional paths someday; Life IS dynamic, after all. I am eternally grateful for the path I have taken thus far as I don’t believe education or work experience is or ever will be wasted. I have no doubt my business background will serve me well someday, somehow. But everyone has their own path, and maybe my now path won’t be my forever path. Or maybe it is, and I’m just deluding myself. But you know what? I’m okay with that.
Life Isn't Perfect but It Can Be Beautiful 